**Asking for help is never easy. It's scary. No one wants to admit they have a problem, recognizing that could feel like failure. It's not. You're not. Your worth in this world is much more than you will ever know, and you are never alone. https://www.aa.org/
We are about to get into some heavy shit. A dark time in my life that I constantly look back on. It was a time that describes what I'm built from but does not describe who I am.
Alcoholics breed alcoholics. It's a disease, and it kills the soul.
For about 4 years, I was a high-functioning alcoholic. What started out as a joke to bring liquor in bottles of mouth wash onboard the ship for deployments not only made them entertaining but woke the sleeping demon with great fury. Even when I was a kid, I always felt it would get passed down to me; it was just a matter of time. Like most kids, when I hit my teenage years, I discovered weed, but I never really drank as a teen. The occasional beer, but I never really got a taste for it. It wasn't until my early 20s that I started to develop a taste for it.
As time played out and I got more comfortable with the demon, this was also the time that I knew I had inherited a cursed gift. At the height of my addiction, I was not only drinking and driving but draining liters like Steph Cury drains threes. Then liters turned into gallons.
Once you feel it take over, there's nothing else. You don't remember what you did, said; you make excuses why you got so drunk. It feels natural. You can no longer tell the difference between you and the bottle. The worst of it was when my wife got switched to nights. As it was, by the time I got home, I was two or three drinks down, and now there's no one home to cut me off. I was a mess.
I remember that night vividly. Nicki found me on the floor, unresponsive and not breathing. Then the noises started, but I couldn't open my eyes yet, but I could hear noises. Voices, crying, etc. My eyes opened to EMTs standing over me. I was moments from the paddles and a trip to the ER.
The next day I was met with an ultimatum that I never thought I would know. It was her or the bottle. The very thing that destroyed my family was getting ready to ruin mine.
I often visit the memory of me and my wife dumping liquor bottles down the drain, and I remember thinking so many things. From stories of my dad and my father-in-law, and wondering how this happened and what this means for my career in the Navy. Do I tell my chain of command? I hold a security clearance, my chain of command finds out, I'm done. I had enough time in by now to know that you only tell the Navy what they need to know. Anything dealing with addiction or mental health is very taboo and frowned upon; it's a weakness. Out of 20 years in the military, I can count on one hand how many people I would trust with talking about mental health issues.
So what do you do when you want to get sober, but you don't want to involve the military? You thank the universe for sending you your soulmate, who is going to hold your hand while you walk through hell; that's what you do. And that's what she did. Through the tears, the shakes, sitting there and listening, and the hugs, but more importantly, she assured me that everything was going to be ok. I still thank her after all these years for being strong, loving, and understanding during those times.
I know this was a long one. I teetered with even mentioning this part, but this was such a huge part of my life that I needed to include this if I was going to tell my tale. So, what's in store for the next installment? We get healthier, we get orders to Jacksonville, Fl, and against all odds, I become a recruiter. For the folks that have been hanging out and enjoying this series, thanks for reading.
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